This summer I spent my time in Charleston preaching, teaching, doing pastoral visits, meeting with various church planters and priests for wisdom and guidance, etc. I also spent much of my time learning directly from two leaders in the church whose priestly roles are similar, but whose personalities and day to day ministries are vastly different. One is the rector of an almost 300 year old church. The other planted a church immediately after graduating from seminary. It was amazing to watch the two of them work together, and encouraging to see how well their contrasting personality types complemented one another. They were an incredible team and a dynamic duo whose wisdom and experience I was blessed to glean from. The purpose of this internship was partly to figure out an answer to the question, "What next?" What is it that the Lord is calling me to?
I prayed through that question and various other questions this summer. I prayed for wisdom. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for an answer. I prayed silently, aloud, inside, outside, fishing, surfing, driving, lying down, getting up... You get the picture. There wasn't a time when a form of the following two questions weren't somewhere in my mind rattling around...
"Is the Lord calling me to plant a church?"
"Is the Lord calling me to a more traditional priestly role that mirrors a track-like career model?"
The answer was simple. God said wait.
I don't like waiting. I can be a patient person, but I can also get very antsy. One Thursday in late July I was praying through the question above about planting. St. John's, my home parish and where I was interning, had just gotten new lights installed in the nave of the church. The scaffolding was still up, but the workers appeared to be gone. I went into the church and knelt at the altar rail on the sea turtle kneeler. It was the kneeler I had chosen as my go to prayer spot from the beginning of the summer. I had 45 minutes left in the day, and I figured I needed to spend some time talking with the Lord. I went in alone. I prayed the prayer for our parish. I prayed a few surface level things on my mind. Finally I prayed in silence. After a few minutes of silent prayer I looked up at the cross.
"God... is the answer yes?"
I knelt in silence for about 5 minutes. Surprisingly my mind did not wander too much. I thought about several reasons why church planting might be in my future. Nothing overwhelming came to mind. Nothing truly moving at the time. Nothing truly lept out as a word from the Lord.
"God... is the answer no?"
I knelt in silence for another 5 minutes. I thought about ways that I would be challenged, or otherwise was not suited to plant a church. None of these thoughts were new. None of them stood out. The Lord didn't speak clearly in this either.
"God... do you want me to wait?"
As soon as the word "wait" left my mouth the back doors of the church opened, and the workers came back in. I heard them talking about the new chandeliers. I quietly chuckled to myself, looked at the ground, shook my head a couple times, looked at the cross and said, "I guess that's the answer for now." I walked slowly out the back door, and quietly I asked the Lord to make his answer clear, if that was truly my answer.
I've never been a dreamer. On top of that, if I ever have a dream, I rarely remember it for more than 20 minutes. In fact, up until this point in my life, there is only one dream I have ever remembered. It was a nightmare from when I was very small. Well, that night I had a dream that I remember vividly still now.
Note: If you want a full rundown of the dream, read everything that follows. If you just want the punchline, skim to the underlined part below.
I was at a grand opening for an all you can eat buffet restaurant, like Ryan's or something of the sort. When I came in I ordered the buffet and a Coke. The downstairs seating was strung out, very long and narrow. I noticed a staircase that ran along the wall up to a second-floor seating area. Once I got upstairs I chose a table and gave my receipt to the waitress so she could get my Coke. I then went and got some food. I noticed that the entire restaurant was laid out like an interstate. The downstairs was full of hustle and bustle, and the upstairs was like an overpass. In fact, the stairs were even one-way. One set went up, one went down, and they ran parallel to the "highway" below. On top of that, the food bar was along the sides, as if they were frontage roads, and had the server stations right beside them.
Once I returned to the table with my food I realized that my server was gone. Something told me that she was not going to return any time soon. At this point, the only thing that I had on my mind was getting my Coke. It soon seemed to become the only reason I was there. I was almost obsessed with getting my drink. I took it upon myself to go get one myself.
Unfortunately, when I went to the drink machine at the server station, there were no glasses. There were only styrofoam cups. I tried filling a styrofoam cup with Coke, but the opening was too small. No matter how hard I tried, the cup crumbled in my hand. I looked around distraught. Finally, I found a black plastic bag, like a one-time use bag you would get from the grocery store. I filled it with Coke and walked back to the table.
The dream ended with me standing there at the table, holding a black plastic bag full of Coke, thinking that I should have waited for the waitress to get me my drink. I still remember every detail vividly. I woke up the next morning and shared the dream with Sara.
What does this all mean? It means that now is not the time for me to say yes or no. Now is the time for me to continue on faithfully with my studies. I will wait patiently on the Lord to answer that question of "what next?" in HIS time. I'm a full-time husband, father, and seminarian right now. If the Lord makes it clear to me tomorrow what his plan is for me next May, I will rejoice in that plan. If not, I will rejoice in the fact that I get to help lead campus tours at orientation, and help a new student and his wife move into their new home. I will rejoice in the fact that I still get to go to class this semester and build on the foundation that has been laid in my first two years of seminary. I will rejoice in the fact that my savior is real, and that I am here to learn because I have a role to play in helping to make disciples. I will rejoice in the fact that, while I don't know anything that the future holds, I know Christ and him crucified.
I think God can work with that, and so I'll continue to proclaim it. I'll continue to answer the call to be here and focused on my own foundational training. While I am here I will continue to await clarity in my future calling. I will be faithful because he called me to Ambridge for his purpose. I am excited to one day know for sure what exactly the Lord will call me to. For now, I can't wait to see what this year holds in store for us as a family and for the entire community here at Trinity. Thank you to all of you who have supported us through your prayers and your generosity. Now bring on senior year!
